This article includes rhetorical uses of profanity.
It’s a damn shame I have to wait another 20 months to vote for President Trump. I wish I could do it now.
Or better yet, in as many jurisdictions as I can. Preferably in every swing district and every swing state.
Yeah, yeah, I know — sadly, I can’t. It’s been a hell of a ride these past couple of years, and I sure hope it doesn’t end next November.
I am a middle-of-the-road Republican who voted for Trump with the utmost reluctance in 2016. He sure wasn’t perfect. He was no Cicero, either––though he can give a decent speech when the chips are down. He had a few extra skeletons rattling in his closet, especially compared to colorless non-entities like Jeb. So yeah, I was queasy about voting for an ex-registered-Democrat-from-New-York-and-possible-liberal-now-turned-Republican.
Was I worried? Hell, yeah! Was I depressed? You bet.
But, really, what options were there? Hillary? Jill Stein? Seriously? Trump wasn’t my first choice or my second choice or my third choice, but by the time November 2016 rolled around, Trump was the only choice on the menu. So I swallowed hard, took a leap of faith, and pulled the lever for the Donald.
Stormy Daniels and Michael Cohen Are Non-Issues For Me
And let me tell ya, every time one of these newly minted Democratic “stars” opens their mouth, the same thought goes through my mind:
Thank God for Trump.
Trump is my last line of defense.
Trump is the only thing that stands between me and these hallucinogenic socialist nut jobs.
Trump is what’s keeping chaos and left-wing insanity at bay.
Maybe I am not a gettable voter for the Democrats. Certainly not easily gettable, but had Trump turned out to be a closet Nelson Rockefeller, and the Democrats were to nominate a genuine centrist, who knows what could’ve happened? Isn’t that what politicians running for president are supposed to do––spend a few months promoting themselves as the reasonable choice, and the other guy as unacceptable?
But today, every single Democrat I can name is working overtime to make damn certain that I will pull the lever for Trump again, and with both hands this time.
Trump need not worry about locking down my vote––the Democrats are doing all the heavy lifting.
Every time the Democrats and their media allies peddle yet another “end of the Trump presidency bombshell,” I laugh hysterically. If I laughed any harder, people would think I was having an epileptic seizure.
I can’t even keep track of half the revelations that were supposed to bring Trump to an ignominious end. Even the Democrats forget most of them within days. Remember Papadopoulos? Flynn? Gates? Roger Stone? Some 77-year-old guy I’ve never heard of, getting a handjob at a Florida massage parlor?
Say what? This is a Trump scandal because apparently the former massage parlor owner posed with Trump and various Republicans who know or have spoken to Trump. Who? What? Huh?
Democrats don’t just own crazy anymore; Democrats left crazy in their rearview mirror months ago.
Stormy Daniels? Right.
Who gives two shits about Trump’s sex life 12 years ago?
But, but, “Trump paid her off! It was hush money!” you say? Yeah, okay. He probably did. Oh, hell, who are we kidding here? I am certain that he did. And I care about all this why? I can see why Melania would care, but why do I care?
Heck, I’ll go even further––it wouldn’t surprise me if Trump paid off a bunch of other women over the years. In fact, and here I am really going out on a limb, there was some reason to suspect, even before the election, that Trump hasn’t always been a faithful husband to his various wives.
But, dear Democrats: I just checked my Vanguard and Fidelity account balances, and I just don’t give a squat about Trump’s sex life or his ex-mistresses or how much they cost him.
Michael who, you say? Michael Cohen? Oh, yeah, the sleazeball who took Trump’s money for years and years, and then, once his taxicab schemes and assorted other shenanigans fell apart and prison time loomed, suddenly had an epiphany about Trump? The guy who plead guilty to lying to Congress? The guy who begged Trump for a pardon? That Michael Cohen?
If Democrats think Michael Cohen’s pathetic drooling before some congressional committee will change my mind, they are beyond delusional.
Sundry Scandals Don’t Bother Me Either
Trump Organization, you say? Something about possible non-compliance with New York State health insurance purchasing regulations? Congress will investigate, you say? Uh huh. I am fatigued out with these investigations.
You want me to vote for some Democrat because Andrew Cuomo says Trump didn’t follow his insurance regulations? Are you people for real?
What’s that? Russia? Mueller? Collusion?
I am sick of Russia and I am sick of Mueller. I am sick of Comey, Rosenstein, Ohr, McCabe, Yates, Strzok, Page, Baker, and the rest of the gang. I am beyond sick of them. I am vomit-inducingly sick of them. (And, for the record, I was born in Russia, so I know Russia like these Democrat clowns can’t even imagine.)
After years of nonstop investigations, all they actually have on the collusion front is Manafort’s tax evasion from 10 years ago. That’s it?
Remember that New York Times monster 15,000-word article about Trump’s inheritance taxes 30 years ago? Ask me if I care. Jared Kushner? Next! Ivanka’s shoe line? Whatever. Trump Hotel in DC? Yawn. The Emoluments Clause? Puuuuhhhhlease.
Here, I agree. Trump made a mistake.
He should have fired Comey’s ass on day one instead of waiting two months to do it.
But then, this is all yesterday’s news. Who needs last year’s bombshells when we have today’s contestants!
The Donkey Party has a new leader:
someone called Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Every time her bright red lips form a sentence, I hear a clarion call: Must Vote For Trump!
Unlike AOC, I actually know firsthand what socialism is. I don’t need to imagine the future that AOC is trying to shove down my throat––I lived in that future and I pray I’ll never have to live in that future again.
Every time AOC proposes to build trains to Europe, or wants butt plugs for cows to control their flatulence, or wants to spend $93 trillion on fairyland, I really, really want to vote for Trump.
So make Ocasio-Cortez more visible! Make Ocasio-Cortez speaker of the House! Make her the keynote speaker at the convention!
All the CNN talking heads agree that Trump is an idiot? Maybe, but at least he isn’t planning to ban my car. Trump lies? Maybe, but with Trump, we’ll still have airplanes (and my 401(k) plan has been doing great since his election).
Presidential Contenders and Congressional Nutjobs
This gets us to the next installment of “Friday the 13th,” a.k.a. the Democratic presidential candidates.
Kamala Harris, you say? You seriously want me to vote for Kamala Harris? And you say that Cory “Spartacus” Booker is just like Kamala, only better and balder? Are you kidding me? Pete Buttigieg? Ask me again when I stop laughing.
Bernie? Really? This grumpy near-octogenarian “public service” millionaire with three mansions is running for the presidency of the wrong country. All his best ideas have already been put into practice––in Venezuela.
This is a guy who pseudo-honeymooned in the USSR (two years before it collapsed!), and didn’t notice that people were waiting in mile-long lines for literally everything. This is a guy who has never met a paleo-Stalinist dictator he couldn’t be best pals with.
Bernie doesn’t need to pretend he is a complete crank; he is a complete crank.
I will personally call every one of my friends, neighbors, and acquaintances, and beg them to vote for Trump.
I will even offer to come and wash their cars while in the nude, if only they’d vote for Trump.
Did someone say Warren? Warren, the first Cherokee candidate — that Warren? Doesn’t she now want reparations not just for African-Americans, but also for Native Americans?
Where, oh where, is that lever to pull for Trump?
The creepy old guy who likes to massage women and 13-year-old girls in public?
I have a 19-year-old daughter, and I sure hope he never goes anywhere near her. But I do hope he runs. It feels like he’s been running for president in every election since Eisenhower. Can he lurch far enough to the left this time, to satisfy the woke police? I doubt it, but it will be fun to watch him try.
Ilhan Omar? Maybe she should run for president too. Nancy suggests that Omar is a good person who is simply too ignorant to understand what her words mean. I disagree.
Omar is only saying what all the other Democrats are thinking. Yes, she is an anti-Semite.
Yes, she is totally mainstream within the Democratic Party.
Throw that toxic Tlaib person into the mix, and we’ve got the triumvirate that truly runs the Democratic Party now––Ocasio-Cortez, Omar, and Tlaib.
I see this nutterfest, and let me tell you, dear Democrats: I am motivated as hell. If ever given a choice (in this election or in other ones) between Ocasio-Cortez, Omar, Tlaib, Pelosi, Warren, Harris, Booker, Biden, Sanders, or Trump, I will take Trump any day of the week.
I am a highly motivated Trump voter because the Democrats have motivated me up to my eyeballs. I have never been more motivated in my life, because the Democrats are terrifying me. I am locked, cocked, and ready to rock in that voting booth. I just wish I didn’t have to wait 20 months.